Reflection and Dissection

As the New Year approaches, it tends to be a time for serious reflection and dissection.  This is a serious post today.  If you don’t want serious during the holiday cheer, then this is not the post for you to read.  This is how I reflect and dissect, through writing and this is a post divorce personal post.

My parents are going through some very serious problems, which is affecting my whole family dynamics.  My life as I have known it with two parents and two siblings has come to an end.  I no longer have that.  It has been a tiny fissure that has turned into tremendous gorge that cannot be breached this time.  There is no bridge that can be built to cover the chasm of deceit that has happened in my family this time, and picking up the pieces has been difficult and a very slow process.

My marriage, which held so much hope and promise, has turned into a sham.  I am a single person living within the confines of a piece of paper.  I have bent myself into a pretzel to accommodate the type of relationship that my “husband” wants, and I feel as though I am about to break.

My life is not bad.  It is just another difficult situation that I have put myself smack dab in the middle of.  I thought this time I had made the right choice.  I thought this was going to be cakewalk for me.  I should have known better.  I should have known that you can’t change a lifelong pattern through will.  But, I had hoped that this time would be different.

Is it too much to ask to be included in his life?  As a partner, a decision maker and someone who matters?  I didn’t think so, but I have been known to be wrong.  The baggage is overwhelming and the lump under the rug where every issue has been swept is so large, you can’t even venture into that room anymore.  It is avoided.  At all costs.

We carry on every day, every week and pretend.  Pretend that it is good; pretend that it is getting better.  I have responsibilities and he has responsibilities.  I am free falling and this time, there is no net to catch me.  This time I have to land on my feet.

I am working on my landing.  I am working on ensuring my children have a future that is provided by me, because there is no one else to do that.  I am working on sustaining this marriage, because when push comes to shove, I do love him, even though I don’t like him very much right now.  I am working on helping my parents pick up the pieces of their own broken lives.  I am working my ass off, and once again, no one is working on helping me.

But, the truth is, that this time, I am the only one who can help me.  I am standing on my own.  No crutches to lean on, no walker to help and no wheelchair to ride in.  It is just me.  I will not fall.  I will stumble, but this time, not fall.

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