Nursery Rhymes, kids games and commercials keep running through my head. That is all I keep thinking about. I think about Ring Around the Rosie and falling down. I think about London Bridge and falling down. I think about Humpty Dumpty in a million pieces who couldn’t be put back together again. I think about that old lady who has fallen and can’t get up.
It’s so much easier to lie here in a million pieces, safe on the floor, where I am scattered about and kicked around every so often by people passing by. How do I get up and take care of everything and everyone? I have done such a great job of pretending to be self-sufficient that people actually believe that I am, and now I can’t convince them that I need help.
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. I’m scared. I have two kids that stare at me every day in anticipation of what I’m going to say and do and wonder if today is going to be the day that I am going to say, we are going to be fine, everything is going to be fine. How do I convince them, when I am not convinced?
I am reaching down deep in my reserves looking for something I have never had, and hope to be able to find. It is independence and the ability to stand on my own without leaning to the right or the left and depend on someone else for the food on my table or the roof over my head. I have to show my children what it means to get back up and soldier on.
Self-care, self-love, self-preservation.
Things I have rarely practiced in my life I now have to learn.
Self-reliance, self-respect, self-regard.
Things I need to start to do for myself because they are not only necessary but they are needed.
Self-assured, self-image, self-esteem.
Things I need to have in order to succeed on this new scary journey of independence and getting up.
Self-made, self-taught, self-improved, self-worth.
Things I am going to have from now on.
I have fallen and as scared as I am I am getting up, slowly but surely, I am getting up and putting myself back together again.