The First Wife Syndrome

June 2, 2011 By 16 Comments

There are so many second wives and bonus moms out there.  You take care of other women’s children for the husband that you married.  The responsibilities of being a second wife are much harder than that of the first wife, because you so much more baggage to deal with than the first wife.

What happens when the first wife is difficult and makes your life a living hell?  How do you handle it?  I recently wrote about the Second Wife Syndrome, and thought it only fair to look at the other side of the coin.  The First Wife Syndrome is similar to the Second Wife Syndrome, but the tables are turned.

The first wife tries to make it virtually impossible for the second wife to have a relationship with the children and also tries to insert herself into her now ex-husbands marriage.  The first wife is outraged that the man she didn’t want or that left her is now happy and married peacefully.  For those of you second wives that have to deal with the First Wife Syndrome, I have a letter that you can use as well.

Dear First Wife,
I realize you are angry and bitter and I am sorry for that, but you let him go/ran him off.  You couldn’t have thought that he was going to alone forever, did you?  He is a great catch and if you had opened your eyes and been a supportive and decent person to him, you might still be married.  I want to thank you for not opening your eyes, because now he is mine.  I also need to thank you, because of the hell you put him through he grew and learned and is a different better person now.
He is loving and kind and we have a wonderful life.  Oh, and your children you share are also wonderful.  We have such a good time together, despite the things you say about me to them.  Yes, they do tell me.  Why wouldn’t they?  We are very close.
You think you can hurt us by demanding more and more child support.  It makes us stronger as a couple, but why don’t you get off your ass and get a job?  After all, my job is helping to support you, isn’t it time for you to put on the big girl panties and support yourself?  I don’t think we should be putting clothes on your back or food in your mouth.
And, talking bad about us to the children.   Well, that is just plain stupid.  Eventually you will run them off, because you have some really smart kids and they will see through your façade of caring and leave you.  Remember, what goes around comes around, and your time is coming near.
No matter how many times you call, text or email you won’t drive a wedge between my husband and me because we are strong.  We love each other.  You should be happy that he is happy.  But, you are too mired in your own bitterness to notice.
I actually don’t hate you, but I feel sorry for you.  I feel sorry that you can’t move on, even though you moved on when you moved out.  I feel sorry for you that you can’t look at how lucky you are to have children that are loved when they are with their father.  I feel sorry for you that you refuse to accept the happiness that you gave to your ex when you gave him up.  I just feel sorry for you.
Do me a favor?  Quit asking the children what we feed them and how often.  I am a mother too and I know how to take care of kids and trust me when I tell you they are treated as well as my own.  Quit making our lives miserable because you can’t stand to see happiness and joy.
Let’s just call it a day and stop pretending.  I tried to get to know you, but you made it impossible and since you have been so nasty, I no longer have that desire anymore.
I hope you find someone who will make you happy, but unfortunately, I don’t think that will happen.
By the way, we are picking up the kids at our usual time.  You don’t have to pack a bag for them, we have everything they need at our house.

From,
The Better Wife

For all Better Wives, feel free to use this letter.

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Filed Under: Advice and Opinion, Empowerment, Ex Spouses and Blended Families 16 Comments
Lee Brochstein About Lee Brochstein

Lee Brochstein is a certified professional divorce coach, blogger, a well-known author and a nationally known expert from her appearances on television and radio talk shows. She enjoys alliteration, Mad Men, Big Bang, mixed breeds, vanilla lattes, red wine and her kids when they aren’t killing each other. Follow her on twitter and Facebook.

  • http://www.divorcednotbroken.com Jack Adams

    I think you misspelled the ending there.
    Did you mean
    The Bitter Wife

    It’s all a crap shoot. I too have been divorced twice and the first one is still a royal pain in the you know what. 18 years later even. Rediculous.

    Best of luck
    Jack

  • he saved the best for last!

    Holy crap it’s like you read my mind and know exactly what is going on in my life. My dh’s ex is all those things!

    • Samantha

      Sounds like your dear husband DID save the best for last! I know mine did. Hang in there.

  • Jen

    I cannot believe you would offer this letter as a way of dealing with conflict! 
    Trained professional, really?????

  • Busaglucks2007

    I know so many women who have to deal with ex-wives with this type of bitterness, jealousy, and anger. It also seems like Jen is one of the bitter ex-wives, since she can’t see the other side of the coin. Sad. Thank you for this letter. It wouldn’t do any good to send something like this, but it feels good to know someone understands the abject jealousy and bitterness some of these women dish out.

    I also know women dealing with jealous second wives, but the second marriage isn’t strong in these cases and the jealousy has roots in many things in addition to the ex wife playing her mind games. 

  • Pingback: The Better Wife – Bane of the Bitter Ex-Wife | The G-Spot

  • Whatnextnow

    This is nasty stuff

  • Nicola Jolly72

    Well. I am almost speechless.

    I am a trained professional, a psychologist with a masters. I am an ex-first wife with two children and an amicable relationship with my ex husband. I am remarried to my soul mate and have one step child, and unfortunately a horrible, bitter first ex-wife to contend with. She is everything that I am not, and the antics she has put us through for three years are unbelievable.

    However, I simply cannot believe that you think this type of letter is in any way conducive to helping matters. What on earth type of divorce coach are you when you promote inflammatory communication like this?

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com LeeBlock

      Thank you for your comment. A damn good one actually who can see all sides of the coin. Let’s be real. It’s not all love and light and that letter is what so many want to say but never will
      Be able to. This is a forum to show every side and opinion. I represent the other sides as well. As free will goes, you are entitled to leave your opinion and leave my site to never return. But, thank you for stopping by. It is a shame that before exploring all articles you close your mind off though. Says volumes about you though.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=31708744 Briana Taylor

        Yes, I’ve read more of your “sides.” It sounds like you’re a professional fight-picker, not divorce coach. Ugh.

    • Duane Gluck

      Thank you so much Lee for the wonderful article! I am divorced but have married again but this time to my best friend and soulmate. Your article has shown me that I am not the only one dealing with a vindictive ex-wife. The letter is amazing and I am so glad there is someone who sticks their guns amidst such blind and negative comments.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=31708744 Briana Taylor

      As a second wife, I agree. This is ridiculous and hardly constructive.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lmbranham1 Lisa Myers Branham

      I couldn’t agree more Nicola. No matter how we may feel about ex wives, new wives, etc, behavior like this is highly inflammatory, causes more problems for either side and is in my opinion the equivalent of allowing your child to be a bully on the play ground! I am the first ex wife and have tried my best to stay at peace with the new wife and she relentlessly prefers bashing me to, in front of, and on the internet where my children can see. This has done nothing except turn them against HER. No relationship will ever be perfect. We are human and have to do the best that we can. This letter is highly disappointing and reads like we should all be labelled as bad on either side. Each of us is different. Thank you for your response Nicola. Hope everyone has a blessed day.

  • Me

    Although I would never send this as it would only fuel the flame of drama (which seems to burn quite well without any fuel at all), this letter is pretty accurate, except the ex wife would never ask her kids what they ate at our house, because she doesn’t care about their diet. Also, I wouldn’t thank her for putting him through hell, because I knew him in high school, and he was already an awesome person. She simply abused him. Period.
    I honestly would never even get mad at her, except for the fact that she hurts her own children and uses them as pawns.
    I do agree that she will never find someone who can make her happy, because my husband is an angel, and if he couldn’t make her happy, then I don’t know who can. She is just a miserable person.
    I am also a first wife, and my ex husband’s current wife would never write a letter like this to me. She respects my parenting and even asks me advice! She also doesn’t care that I used to be with her husband, and I don’t care that she is now married to him. He wasn’t right for me, but they are right fior each other, and I think that is awesome!

  • Onlywifey

    I posted on this earlier. Not sure why my post never made it….but here goes again….

    My assumption is that this letter is meant to be a sort of cathartic exercise for the wife. From the body of the letter, it is obvious that the biological mother is bitter, vengeful, and actually practising some form of Parental Alienation Syndrome against the father and stepmother. Here are some signs, all of which the biomother in our situation was guilty:
    Giving children choices when they have no choice about visits. Allowing
    the child to decide for themselves to visit when the court order says there is
    no choice sets up the child for conflict. The child will usually blame the
    non-residential parent for not being able to decide to choose whether or not to
    visit. The parent is now victimized regardless of what happens; not being able
    to see his children or if he sees them, the children are angry.
    Telling the child “everything” about the marital relationship or
    reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they are
    “just wanting to be honest” with their children. This practice is
    destructive and painful for the child. The alienating parent’s motive is for
    the child to think less of the other parent.
    Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parent access to
    school or medical records and schedules of extracurricular activities.
    A parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the
    family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.
    Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the
    child’s needs. The alienating parent may also schedule the children in so many
    activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course,
    when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and
    selfish.
    Children will become angry with a parent. This is normal, particularly if the
    parent disciplines or has to say “no”. If for any reason the anger is
    not allowed to heal, you can suspect parental alienation. Trust your own
    experience as a parent. Children will forgive and want to be forgiven if given
    a chance. Be very suspicious when the child calmly says they cannot remember
    any happy times with you or say anything they like about you

    Fanning the flames of a PASing parent will only make it worse and allow the bitter parent to point a finger of blame at the stepmother. The only action one can take, is documentation and legal remedy. Canadian as well as US courts are now more ready to remove custody from an alienating parent, whether it be father or mother.

    I urge women to read up on PAS if they feel it is happening to their husbands and themselves. Ultimately, the children end up the big losers through the bitterness between the adults. So we as women have to put on our big girl panties and take the high road…

  • kristina

    Oh my God! totally read my mind i thought i was the only one who felt this way! Thank you i feel much better!