The Second Wife Syndrome

May 19, 2011 By 107 Comments

Women can be catty and women can be petty and even pretty mean sometimes, in fact we can be our own worst enemies.  But, when you are the second wife and you are disrespectful or jealous of the first wife, it is what I call “The Second Wife Syndrome.”

What constitutes this syndrome?  Anger, jealousy, judgment, lack of cooperation and communication and oftentimes stepping in the middle of the parenting of the husband and ex-wife, making it very difficult to co-parent without mishap.

I know women who have been a first wife with an ex remarried and a then a second wife.  Many times, as the second wife, women stand in the background, trying to make as little trouble as possible, leaving the parenting and the plan making up to the parents who gave birth to those children.  But, what happens when Second Wife Syndrome is an issue and you can’t co-parent?

Here is a letter for all of the second wives out there that have Second Wife Syndrome, and I would like to share it with you.

Dear Second Wife:

He’s all yours now, and I wish you the best of luck in your new life. I hope he treats you better and loves you more. I pray for you that he is a better step-father than he is a father and although I would love to tell you some of his habits and personality traits, I think it is best you find out for yourself, and don’t ignore those large pieces of luggage in the closet, you’ll be sorry if you do.

I realize from the way you are treating me you have problems with me.   But, it’s a fact of life that I was married to him and am the mother of his children, and I don’t like it anymore than you do, so please get over it.  By the way, I am sorry he is not trained yet.  I’m sorry that he still makes messes on the carpet and sniffs other dogs, but remember these adages; a leopard can’t change his spots and you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Is he complaining to you about paying the child support?  I’m so sorry to hear that!  But, these are his children too, and you knew he had them before you got married, or did you?

We could have been friends, if nothing else, than for the sake of the children, but you have rebuffed all my offers of getting to know each other.  It’s a shame, because I could have told you so many things.

I realize you think I am jealous of you, but I’ve been where you are, and know there is nothing to be jealous about.  You do, however, have my blessing and my sympathy.  I wish you the best of luck, and when he does to you what he did to me, please don’t knock on my door for sympathy.  All I ask is that you treat my children well when they are with you, and please don’t take your insecurities out on them.

From,

Wife #1 (or 2 or even 3)

If any of you are dealing with Second Wife Syndrome and would like to borrow this letter, feel free to do so.

Acknowledge, Accept, Empower and Heal.

Filed Under: Empowerment 107 Comments
Lee Brochstein About Lee Brochstein

Lee Brochstein is a certified professional divorce coach, blogger, a well-known author and a nationally known expert from her appearances on television and radio talk shows. She enjoys alliteration, Mad Men, Big Bang, mixed breeds, vanilla lattes, red wine and her kids when they aren’t killing each other. Follow her on twitter and Facebook.

  • http://twitter.com/PeggyNolan Peggy Nolan

    Lee – I think I wrote something similar to my ex’ new wife about 8 years ago =)  Especially the part “he’s all yours now…good luck!” But you know what’s interesting? My ex-wife-in-law (my husband’s ex-wife) and I have two very different realities when it comes to him. I’m sure my ex-husband’s wife and I have two very different perspectives as well.

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

      I totally agree with that.  And,  stay tuned because there is the flip side letter coming soon!

  • anonymous

    Letter to my husband’s ex-wife:

    Dear first wife,

    Thank you for scarring my husband, making his health worse, slapping him, spitting at him, treating him like crap, kicking him, trying to push him down the stairs, and bankrupting him with your insane spending habits.  Thank you for acting like a victim now and wondering why we can’t be friends when it was my husband’s “fault” for making you treat him that way.  (What did he actually do?  Try to love you?  Take care of you?  Treat you with respect? Oh, that’s right.  He emotionally withdrew from your abuse.)  Thank you for actually confessing to the marriage counselors that you were the violent one and that he never was violent to you.  That enabled the children you had with my husband to be safe with him for the majority of their time. 

    By the way, there is no way I will be friends with a woman who committed domestic violence against my husband.  The woman who now lies and tells others that my sweet husband was guilty of being violent to her.   My husband didn’t hurt you even when you were being horrific to him.  He has way too much control and he couldn’t be violent like that to a woman.  And I am not going to be friends with someone who is trying to turn the children against their father.  But to ease your mind, I do love my stepchildren.  I enjoy taking care of them for the majority of their week.  I enjoy showing them how a healthy marriage actually works.  I love that I can show them how to stay emotionally regulated and not freak out at the slightest thing.  I love helping to provide a safe environment; one in which they can grow. 

    Oh and by the way, being a wife to my husband is one of the easiest things I’ve ever done.  He is a good and kind man who is sensitive to my emotions and appreciates me for everything I am.  He takes good care of me and I love taking care of him. It would take a lot of work to even try to start a fight with him because he is so understanding and willing to listen and work through whatever is upsetting me.  He is a wonderful man and we love each other so very much.  FYI:  treating a man like crap will not help him treat you with more respect or bind him to you more closely.  I hope you have learned your lesson.

    Sincerely,
    The Lucky One

    P.s. (and I actually am truly grateful)  Thank you for filing for divorce and setting him free as you moved onto your next victim.  It gave my husband his life back and allowed me to meet the man I’d been waiting for all of my life.

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

       Very nice!  I will have a letter to the first wife from the second coming soon.  There are always two sides to every story and each needs to be represented!  Thank you for your comment!

  • Sharmar11

    What a crock ….. golden uterus syndrome for sure. For those step-mothers who have bent over backwards in an attempt to be ‘friends’ for the sake of the children; this is purely a slap in the face. A blatant attempt to shift the blame that some first wives excel.
    This is something that my husbands ex would write. And typically, leaves out all her unwillingness, bitterness, hatred and honest insecurities.
    Since the ex-wife is the first wife AND the mother of the children, she holds the key to a successful relationship with the second wife, step-mother to her children.  I have been on both sides, and this is pathetic.

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

      There are two sides to every coin.  This is one side.  The other side will be shown as well.  And, just because your experience is one that shows a first wife that is difficult, while I’m sure you are the example of perfect decorum in the relationship, does not mean that is the norm nor the rule.

      • Sharmar11

        I am looking forward to your example of the other side. And no, I have never deemed myself perfect. But I have deemed myself and my conduct to be mature, confident and looking out for the best interest of said children – thank you. Further, at one time these two people who have divorced with children DID love each other, and instead of giving in to obvious insecurities it should be the norm and the rule to do WHATEVER it takes to assist children of divorced families to blend into possible new step families. THAT is what is wrong with what some consider the norm or the rule; a selfish sense of entitlement that narcissistic individuals exude.

        • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

          You are absolutely right it should be the norm that two people who once loved each other will do whatever it takes to assist children of divorced families.  Unfortunately, when emotion is involved, that is not always the road that people take.  Hopefully this piece and the one that will be coming up with a letter to the first wife will have some people read it and say…I need to change because this is me.

  • Bellatrix

    It never, never ceases to amaze me how people turn into dictators
    when what someone says doesn’t suit them. We live in a country that
    claims to honor free speech, that pays homage to the value of free
    intellectual discourse, and yet–bam–don’t like it? Shut ‘em up.

    Lee, your limiting discussion on this topic, which had the potential to be stimulating and enlightening, is extremely disappointing.  It lessens the value of what you have to offer.

    The media has continually “dumbed down” its offerings, diluted them, to appeal to the lowest common denominator–and your putting a stop to useful discussion through blocking and deletion–when readers may occasionally take issue with you–is part of that.

    It would be refreshing to read that you had enough confidence in your own intellectual point of view to expose it to the lively debate that keeps creative thinking vital.

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

      Bellatrix…

      I replied to you by email, which you showed to your PEW forum.  The reason why I ban people from this site or moderate comments is because of the comments that you all make over there.  Frankly, I don’t want that type of vile hatred on my site.  Which I believe is my right as I am the owner of this site.

      And, here’s the thing…you all don’t have to come over and read, although I appreciate the traffic.

      Lee

  • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

    For those of you who have come over from The  Psycho Ex Wife’s Forum…I always planned on writing the flip side to this.  This is not a letter that I would write to my ex’s wife.  Just a compilation of complaints that I have heard from first wives. 

    I do not allow links to be posted in my comment section.  Period. 

    I read the Golden Uterus article.  It was good. 

    And, for those that hide behind a facade of anonymity, if I get emails from readers asking me what is wrong with you, then yes, you will be banned from commenting.

  • Annette G.

    I have to ask what would inspire a woman to write such an offensive letter to her ex-husband’s new wife in the first place?  The one and only time I went and talked to an ex-boyfriend’s new girl was when the new girl was truly a friend of mine, and the ex and I had broken up because he’d cheated on me and I didn’t want my friend to suffer the same pain.  It seems to me that any woman who believes that she needs to “warn” her ex’s new girlfriend/wife/whatever about the man’s behaviors, is still bitter from the relationship because she’s either mad at herself that it didn’t work out, or still has feelings for the man and can’t let those feelings go, so by trying to sabotage the man’s new relationship the first wife is in turn trying to guarantee that he’ll be single in the future and available if she wants to try and pursue him again for whatever reason she feels like (revenge, love, etc.).

    I don’t believe that a second wife should have to stand in the background while the bio-parents “co-parent” a child from the first marriage.  Sure, for some people they’re comfortable with that mindset, but in my case I could never agree with that perspective.  My boyfriend and I live together which means when the kids are living with him they’re living with me, too.  I’m the mother in my house, and I’ll be damned if I’m just going to sit back.  Luckily my boyfriend and I have completely congruent outlooks on parenting, boundaries, and acceptable behaviors for the kids.  He and his ex-wife couldn’t have opinions that differ MORE.  She’s also a high-conflict person and won’t even co-parent when court-ordered to do so.  So, my boyfriend and I parent the kids, and we don’t even try to concern ourselves with what his ex does.  Yes, we worry about how the kids are doing, but we also live in separate states (for now, the kids are moving into our home permanently in a few months) and we wouldn’t have any control over what his ex does as far as her parenting style if we lived any closer, or any farther away.

    When my boyfriend and I got together, of course I knew he had kids, and I also knew that any relationship with him would involve a relationship with his kids, and his ex, and possibly her family, too.  I accepted that.  She just couldn’t accept that her ex-husband had moved on and was now truly off the market.

    I have also read the Golden Uterus article on Shrink4men.com, and found it to be a spot-on representation of how my boyfriend’s ex-wife treats him, the children, and me.  As the article points out, if she’d been such a good wife, he wouldn’t have divorced her….  It’s my guess that if the author of the above letter had been a good wife and a good match for her ex-husband, he would have given back in the relationship and wanted to please her…instead of get divorced from her.

    -Annette G.

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

      The letter above is fictional based on several first wives complaints that are legitimate and founded in truth.  It is not a letter that was sent or would be sent out, just a sentiment of ideas that many first wives feel.

      There is no question there are plenty of PEW’s out there, as there are second wives who are psycho as well.  It goes both ways.  Not every first wife is high conflict and not every second wife is easy going.

      Also, as far as the man divorcing the woman, the percentage of women who file for divorce is higher than that of men. 

      • Annette G.

        Well, in my boyfriend’s case, yes, his ex-wife filed for divorce.  She beat him to the punch by a matter of days, and he was SO ready to be divorced.  It doesn’t really matter who files first.  What matters is that both parties throw all of their energy into actually DOING it.

        If the letter above is completely fictional, why on earth would you want someone to hypothetically read that?  I’m willing to bet every cent of what little money I have on the FACT that second, third, fifth, spouses, are not jealous of the spouse who came before.  Personally, I was more intimidated by the memory of the relationship my boyfriend had with his ex.  Not by the person he made the commitment to, but by the fact that he was willing to go so far for a person whose obvious intention now is to hurt him.  He stood up in front of his family and friends and promised to love that woman and support her for as long as he lived.  That is a BIG promise, and one that didn’t work out.  Dealing with really believing that he had no intention of going back to her when we got together was a little difficult.  Wanting to figure out what went wrong for them so that I didn’t repeat the same mistakes or find myself in the same situations was also tricky.  Learning my personal and emotional boundaries with the kids was very hard.  I did envy, at first, the fact that that Witch I had had the displeasure of coming to know had once gotten my boyfriend to make the ultimate commitment.  But what it really boiled down to was that the relationship didn’t work out for  a reason.  Many of them, in fact.  Our relationship is so completely different for him than his marriage was, that my mind is at ease.  I’m not threatened.  I’m not jealous.  I never complained about his having to pay child support to help out his ex and cover some of the children’s needs.  What I complained about was his ex visibly misusing the money, telling the kids that their father never contributes to their well-being, and still demanding more.  When I first met her, I was very nice to her.  Very.  Yet she did what you did in that letter….she tried to start bad-mouthing my boyfriend TO ME and the only reason was that she wanted him t be alone and miserable and to sabotage our relationship.  She went so far as to come on to him, in front of the kids, a few months after we started dating.

        I’ve never been jealous of my boyriend’s ex.  I’ve grown to hate her for the pain she’s caused both of us simply because she can’t bear the thought of other people loving her kids.  I hate her because she’s tried to ruin my reputation by lying about my character in court.  I hate her because she’s a hypocrite with a constant double-standard – any “boyfriend of the month” for her is an appropriate daddy replacement, yet I’m the intruder in the kids’ lives despite the fact that I’ve been around now for years?  I’m not trying to replace her.  That’s not right.  But she doesn’t have to treat me so poorly.

        Lee, this is your website and your forum for venting your pain.  But you might want to keep those hypothetical situations to yourself.

        • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

           Yes, this is my site, and this is also NOT my pain.  Intimidation can lead to some very nasty actions.  No one ever said you were jealous.  Was this meant for you?  Was it sent to Annette?  No.  And, I am sorry for what you are going through.  It is terrible that she is doing that, but does that mean that all first wives do that?  No.  Some of the first wives ARE like the second ones who just want to get along. 

          I think you would be surprised if you opened your mind to the fact that second wives are not ALWAYS the injured party.  Am I saying they are never the injured party?  No.  But, they are not ALWAYS. 

          You hang around in a forum where you are all in the same boat.  Try to look outside that and see the wives that DID get screwed by their ex husbands and whose new wives don’t treat the children as if they are there own.  Do you honestly think  that doesn’t exist?  Do you live in a vacuum?

          Like I said, the other side is going to be posted in a few weeks, and no, it didn’t just come up because I was being called out, as you all in the forum like to think.  It was always written. 

          The thing is, if I had published the other one first, all of you would be cheering.  It’s ironic, because when that one goes live none of you will even come by and read it and comment…why?  Because it doesn’t piss you off, that’s why.

          • Sharmar11

            I beg to differ and honestly your lack of understanding is insulting. You have had quite a few comments that I found intriguing and bang on to what I have gone through – obviously, there are a lot more people going through it than I had thought.

            Am I missing something? Is this site not a place where people can come and leave comments? Comments without getting attacked because these people are unable to have an open mind that you can relate to? I am not sure I understand why if people are coming from another site that you show such disdain. It really confuses me.

            I for one, found the letter above insulting as I am a second wife that has given way more than I should have to a woman who is just a miserable, vindictive wench. And, yet she has the nerve to place the blame everywhere except where the blame belongs….with her.

            Second, I am looking forward to the next letter – because I am hopeful that it will not only put the first wife in her place; but to take her golden and entitled uterus and wrap it around her neck and tightly.

          • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

             I don’t have any issues with people who come here to comment when that comment lends itself to a good discussion or even debate.  What I do take issue with is when people come here and take what is written and turn it into a personal attack on the writer.  The playground for that type of action is in the private forum where you all found this in the first place, not here.

            And, yes, if your husbands ex is a vindictive miserable wench I could see why you would, but you can’t see the other side of the coin?  Every ex wife is like the one that was married to your husband?

            I would have to beg to differ with that one.  Just like every second wife is not like the one described above. 

            I have heard over and over about how closed minded I am for this post, when the fact is you are all closed minded that it could be the other way.  Have you read some of my posts…or for that matter ANY of them??

            Perhaps you should and you would see that I represent the second wife as well….read The Custodial Gatekeeper. 

            I find it interesting that on articles that you all would applaud, none of you even comment on.

          • Sharmar11

            Yes, I do see the other side of the coin, as I am sure others do as well. And, yes I have read your comments and even liked some of them……we have conversed on this subject earlier and above. When nerves are hit it is sometimes hard not to react; especially when you see the other side of the coin quite vividly – that is what makes your letter above so insulting and is exactly why I made a comment in the first place.
            I am wondering if it would have been better for you to have posted both sides at the same time. Then and only then may the comments have been more to your liking?
            I came here because I was looking for advice; google…..please don’t automatically assume I am someone else with an ulterior motive, do you have the right to assume when you don’t know me? No. This is your website; you are in control of what is put out there…..while you keep mentioning the inability of not seeing the other side of the coin; I see the other side very well…..and again, that is why the letter above is so insulting and/or offensive. ….
            While I look forward to the next letter; I am not sure I will be frequent this site further. I don’t need bullshit and being made to feel that assumptions have already been made based on others comments. I live that life; I came here to find answers….good luck.

  • INMIY

    What are your readers meant to do when “borrowing” this letter? What about it is empowering?

    I’m glad you mentioned this isn’t something you should send. On the receiving end it would read like this, “Dear Ex-Husband, I am not over you and I’m masking it in a bunch of garbage about your new wife and the children.”

    “There are so many things I could have told you.” Like what? I hope that refers to helpful and pertinent information regarding the care of the children, and not some weird misguided desire to bond with a complete stranger over your ex’s perceived faults. The latter is not only inappropriate, but creepy.

    I don’t think anyone should disrespect anyone else period, but please explain to me what a second or third wife could possibly be “jealous” about? I’m truly baffled.

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

       I would hope that anyone who reads here would realize that this is just what it is.  It can be used as a cleansing and anger tool to get it out all the frustration and anger you carry around.  Letters that aren’t sent are a very good way to say what you want without hurting anyone, and the best thing is you can put anything you want in them…just don’t send them.

      THAT is what is empowering.  Getting out your feelings so you can move on. 

      What can a second or third wife be jealous of?  I would very much like to know the answer to that question myself, but if I were to speculate, I would think it depends on the husband of that wife and how they are acting. 

      As I have said to all of you members of the PEW forum, who are busy badmouthing me over there…yes, I have read all of the lovely comments….this letter is based on what I have heard from various first wife clients.  I coach people who are going through or have been through a divorce…both men and women…and I do not coach second wives, unless they are divorced, although being one myself, I do know what it is like to be on the receiving end of some very nasty stuff. 

      What none of you over there seem to understand is that all of you who are second wives who seem to be getting screwed by the psycho first wives are not my clients, but those psycho first wives are the ones that I help with their anger and help them to move forward. 

      As much as all of you over there like to think you are all better than the first wife because you are being tortured by that wife and how crazy she is, you are all not much better with a lack of understanding as to the other side.  That forum is supposed to be about the children, but the reality is it is about bashing anyone who does not believe in the same rhetoric that you do.

      • INMIYINMIY

        Actually, I read the thread on the PEW site but did not comment on it over there; likewise, I did not come here to “bash” anything or anyone. I simply shared my thoughts about a letter which I found did little but reveal an ex-wife who was still too focused on her ex-husband and his new wife to have truly moved on, and that’s not healthy for anyone, especially the children involved.

        Now, if writing a fantasy letter (or fantasy email) helps the writer in a therapeutic way, and helps them to move a step closer to not feeling the need to focus on the their ex’s new life, then more power to them.

        As far as my husband’s ex-wife, I do understand her. She’s mentally not well. There’s nothing I can do to about that except to accept it is a reality and try to shield the children as much as possible.

        And the letter you wrote that represented collective sentiments of other first wives may be a reality, but it’s disturbing nonetheless.

        • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

           It IS disturbing.  As disturbing for the first wife as the second wives.  And, the letter to the first wife is disturbing.  But, nonetheless, these are very real feelings that many ex’s have and also the next letter will reflect the feelings that many second wives have. 

          I am sorry that your hubsand’s ex is mentally ill.  That is unfortunate for the children, him and you. 

           

          • M Surfside

            The 1st wife’s letter is disturbing. The 2nd wife’s letter is calling a spade a spade.

  • rj1145

    This is predominantly a female issue.  I know a number of divorced men.  None of them care if their ex’s date again or remarry.  (they are actually happy as they get to stop alimony payments).  All they care about is 1) the new man leaves them alone, 2) the new man is nice to the children and 3) the new man is not dad (but stepdad is ok).

    there are exceptions, but most men dont act like they have 2nd wife syndrome or golden uterus syndrome.

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

       That is very true, and if you could bottle that up you could make a fortune selling it.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_RAFYOKYDTI2OKOHVSLFL6NH3VU Mike

    There seems to be a lot of black-and-white thinking in these comments.  I am familiar with the PEW website and am aware that these people are dealing with psycho ex’s (wives and husbands).  To them I say that it is entirely believable that when their pycho-exes remarry, they do indeed try to edge out the first wife/mother, leading to high conflict, difficult co-parenting.

    All of us dealing with a true pscho know for a fact that a letter filled with explanations, examples, logic and facts is a waste of paper.  A letter like the example that is filled with innuendo, name calling, and insincere wishes of luck is an invitation to breaking a pinata of crazyness on our heads. 

    A sane, rational first wife experiencing trouble with a psycho second wife should go the PEW forum to learn how to deal with a psycho woman – low contact, keep discusion on relevant topic, and with total control of emotions.  The example letter is none of those.  And if the example is a fantasy e-mail for venting and not meant to be sent, then a sane, rational first wife should really cut loose and really vent the anger that must be stifled when actually dealing with the psycho.  The PEW forum has several good examples of that too. 

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

      Yes, logic is wasted on a true psycho.  This is a healing and cleansing experience.  Of course, it can be written any way that person feels and I often encourage my clients who are angry to write a letter. 

      I often say that an unsent letter is one of the best things.  You can get out your feelings and no one else has to see them but you. 

      I appreciate that you would encourage sane first wives to venture to the PEW forum.  Perhaps some will go.

  • PopeyeCT

    Lee,

    It’s great to see you interact and discuss the issues you bring up. 

    You’re letter above is clearly from the standpoint of a first wife who was totally the wronged party in the relationship.  Why would someone want to hold on to that bitterness?  I hope you don’t actually coach them to do so.

    In my own divorce, as I think is common, I went through a period of bitterness and hate.  After a while though, I came to realize that I didnt’ love my Ex-wife anymore and the opposite of love is not hate.  If you hate someone, you have some sort of feelings for them.  You have some reason to hate them.  You are letting them occupy some fraction of your thoughts and your life.

    The opposite of love is apathy.

    Learn to let go.  Quit worrying about what the person thinks.  Quit looking into the past at all the problems you had.  Look to the future instead.  It can be hard to get there, but it’s the path to sanity.

    This is why the Low/No Contact method promoted on the PEW site works so well.  It leads to apathy, and lets people learn to move forward with their lives.

    Lastly, in response to several of the comments you have stated that you intend to do an opposing viewpoint article.  I would suggest that for controversial subjects that you might consider doing both viewpoints in one article, or at least in two articles posted at the same time with references and links between them.  This could help keep some of the discussion on the issue at hand rather than feedback concerning your credibility.

    PopeyeCT@aol.com 

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

      Yes, you are right.  I should have done them in the same article, but I didn’t for several reasons.  One, it would have been too long.  Two, that is not how I like to show things.  It only serves for arguing and not discussion in the comment section, which leads to personal attacks on what people say.  Another reason why I stopped the POV column. 

      Of course I don’t coach people to hang on to their anger.  I coach people to let it go and set positive visions and goals to move forward. 

      I agree that moving forward is when you have no feelings, either love or hate.  In fact, I have written an article about that regarding myself and my own feelings.

      Thanks for your comment.

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  • guest

    This is a horrible, catty, and downright mean spirited article. I feel sorry for this woman’s children, her ex husband, and his new wife. There will never be any peace as long as someone like this is involved in any kind of relationship.

  • Jenslns1986

    i need more info on being the 2nd wife.. What are my boundries and what do i do when he gets upset for me getting onto his kids.. we both have children my ex husband isnt in the picture so he is the father figure for my kids. BUT his are so spoiled rotten.. i cant help but to say it but they are.. i love all three of my stepbabies but enough is enough. u cant spoil one without spoiling the others. My husband has went overboard on on putting his 3 yr old before me and letting him do as he please and the others have to set back and take his mess… what do i do on getting some help or info on this? here is my email please contact me thanks.. Jenslns1986@gmail.com by the way i do have the 2nd wife syndrome

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com LeeBlock

      I just sent you an email.  You are in a tough situation and position.  But, there is hope.  It’s so hard on the husband when they aren’t the custodial parent and they feel they must make up for not having the children full time, especially when the second wife has children that live with him and are virtually like their own kids, so they have a new family.  Imagine how he is feeling.  There are work arounds for both of you that can be put into place so you each can feel good about your new roles as step parent, new parent, new spouse and new blended family.  I look forward to hearing back from you and working with you!!

    • http://www.familymatterswithamber.blogspot.com/ Amber J Chapman

      Just keep loving them, treat them with the parenting style which is conducive to the results you want. It sounds as if you are hands on. Kid do not become spoiled with too-much-love or hands-on parenting. On the contrary, they begin to behave better, so keep doing what is right. A sure way to p@#$ off your husband, their mother and eventually lose respect from his children is to use ineffective labeling like: spoiled…even if they are… Do what works, read lots and lots of books on these topics, possibly seek marital counseling (not that your marriage relationship needs it—but if this continues it will). Use the counseling to get a third party to help you express your needs and views to your husband, while having the third party help your husband express his to you: in a non-emotional/stress-fueled/child-surrounded environment. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Pixie-Moore/100003310480137 Pixie Moore

    I Hate His Ex by Alex Cooper is a great book if you are having problems with your partners ex. It really helps to understand and resolve any issues you may have. You can buy the book or download it on Amazon. I have read it and it’s helped me sort out loads of relationship troubles. x

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com LeeBlock

       Thanks for the resource!  All resources are great resources to know about!!

  • Tacomamist

    Adults excuses alot of foul behavior to excuse themselves it seems to me. It simply will not and should not work out in a relationship if a spouse cannot set clear boundaries and good example with his first family. Most children only resent the newcomer to show support to the parent who got dumped! That is negative, dysfunctional behavior which carry into their adult situations. It must be made clear that people should be honest. And everyone has a right to be with whom they choose. If someone chooses to leave the family unit and start another life, it doesnt change the relationship with the child. Children can become jealous over sibilings and parents from families that marriages remain intact. It is unfair and selfish of an ex to address the new wife’s anger as if its jealousy, and unfounded. Lee, you sound as if your children father is broken and cant be fixed! Pathetic. Ex wives tend to set up a you owe us what u promises atmosphere that is controlling. You have to nip that shit in the bud. Tell his kids the way Daddy loves you is way different than how he loves me. He loves you because you share the same blood, and half of the reason this kid is so special is because he was lucky enough to be their Dad. Tell them the way the love there friends is different than how they love their mom for the same reason. Explain to your husband and his ex that you are an significant adult who shouldnt be excludes from the parenting plan simply because its misleading and dysfunctional to ask someone to stay out of their husbands business. The kids will have to deal with loss all their lives in many forms and its unrealistic for them to be trained to believe if they arent put on a pedstool of pity the arent legitamate. It healthier for them to except life changes feelings change and everyone desereves to be happy.

    To the 1st wives, if you think he is such a leopard, yoir children probably know you do. They may be molded to think less if their Dad because you two didnt know you werent right for each other to begin with. It would be healthy to accept the fact your true love wasnt him, and he never reached his full potential because of the guilt that weighs on you when your living a lie. Especially if you been fighting lingering doubt for a while. Now that you are sinlge again, go find new love and show your kids you are valid, daddy is valid, and you guys just rushed into a relationship. That you tried to fix it because you didnt want to give up, but matured and realized u were just different types of people. And you had beautiful children who will always be valid, and who’s role never changes. They will always be happy kids if you stop trying to play passive rivalry saying oh the new gal is just jealous of children. Im not, i just recognize the dysfunction that broke you to up to begin with!

    Sincerely,
    The new Wife is here to stay.

    • Blkcfy

      Aaaa-men! 

      • Jayne

        I also amen to that.My husband’s grown children have those issue and it has carried on into their adult lives and marriages.I have had to have the “there are different types of love” talk with one of my husband’s young adult children because my husband nor their Mother could be bothered to do so themselves and the issues were causing me major grief due to poor behavior in our home.The Mother just blows it off(secretly enjoys).

    • Isis

      So much this! Thank you. :)

  • http://www.DivorceDazed.blogspot.com/ Amber J Chapman

    Speechless…and I never get like that! Wow! I swear you were in my head many years ago… posting a link in my Divorced Dazed blog for this so that others can read your posts. Sometimes we just need to know that others deal with the same thing. 

    • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com LeeBlock

       It’s tough being on both sides of the fence, and the grass isn’t greener on either side. What’s important are the children and that they are taken care of and that they aren’t put in the middle.  Thanks for the link!

  • slipknot

    I have a serious problem. I have a healthy relationship with my ex-wife and my daughter. My daughter is the reason I moved to Germany from NY. After 10 years of being on the ropes and flip-flopping around I have put my life back together again and fallen in love. Really in love – yes, I am ready to get married again. The problem (and only problem) is that my potential new wife (she is 10 years younger than me – I am 40 – she is 30) is having a lot of jealousy issues. Not because of my ex-wife – but because of my daughter! To be honest it has really blown my mind. I didn’t see this coming. There is nothing – absolutely nothing – out of the ordinary in my relationship with my daughter. The divorce was 6 years ago. She is 12. She has been in a therapy for 2 years and it has done wonders for all of us – except my potential new wife. I am really lost on this situation. Any help or advice?

    • Ashleighnicole83

      If she’s jealous of her now it’s only going to get worse . Maybe it’s a sign a 30 year old woman has NO reason to jealous or a 12 year old child . And if she truley is jealous it sounds as if sheay have some psychological problems I think you should RUN and FAST

    • Onlywifey

      This was written a long time ago, but I will bite…
      Inappropriate jealousy screams of a woman with serious issues.

      However, that said…when my husband and I got together, his daughter who was about that age, had a hard time not being “The Woman of the House” anymore. She had innocently, but inappropriately, been put into the position of being her father’s confidante and partner to a degree not appropriate for anyone.
      At first, she would actually have a tantrum if she could not sit in the front seat next to him if we all drove somewhere. Then all of a sudden she had motion sickness if she had to sit in the back seat. So I started driving, husband sat in the back seat. Suddenly her motion sickness was cured! Husband saw with different eyes, and things balanced out.
      It simply took patience and open minds from both adults involved.

  • Been there

    I’m ex-wife.  He’s with second wife…we have an amicable relationship, the only problems have occurred when she has “stepped on my toes”..as ex says.  She’s in total control of his life now, and he has to whisper into the phone when he leaves me a phone message so wife #2 can’t hear him talking to me.  I have sole custody, but after five years of being asked to step back and let ex-husband and I parent the kids, voices had to be raised, and now she backs off.  She has no kids of her own, and I remarried before x-husband did.  Tried being friends with her, but realized all niceties in past were for show.  That’s all I ask of her, don’t take your insecurities out on my kids. 

  • Pingback: A Mother’s Letter to her ‘X’s Second Wife… « Divorce Dazed

  • Arcullis

    What a bitter letter…I would not send that

    • Rebecca Goss

      Amen

  • Ashleighnicole83

    I’m a 2 nd Wife but I get along with te 1st we actually do a lot of things together . At first though I have to admit I was doing everything this letter said! Its so funny reading it cuz it is Sooooooo True some of u may still be in denial but it is 100% true. This letter is by no means bitter . This lady had made many attempts to make good with #2 but her head was to far up her butt thank God I pulled mine out so I don’t have to face a life long feud !!!

  • guest

    I found this site thinking it was for second wives.  which I am.  Unfortunately it was dedicated against second wives.  In my case I am NOT jealous or disrespectful of my husbands ex wife nor do I interfere with their “co-parenting” infact that would be practically impossible for me to even do so since my husband is the one who takes the  children to the doctors (or I do)  not their mother, and the dentist and take them  here for every school vacation and the entire summer while running them back and forth to her for her visitation with them and yet she will at a whim when she doesnt get what she wants severely restrict my husbands interaction with them.  she didnt even allow them to attend our wedding since it didnt fall in “his” weekend.  She’s said some pretty outlandish and nasty things about me and my children (which talking about my children the way she has warrants a fat lip) and I’ve bit my tongue so my husband or his children dont have to put up with her psychotic wrath.  So to the creator of this site and the second wife letter.  First wives are jealous that their ex spouse has moved on and they are stuck where they are in life.  alone.  even their own children dont want to be around their miserable personality.  I am also a first wife and I am happy that my ex has moved on.  Wish him and his new wife a happy life together.  just because it didnt work for us doesnt mean it cant or wont work with someone else.  and that doesnt make either of us a bad person.  what would make us a bad person is trash talking each other, or each others new significant others or WORSE yet their children, and to even go as far as doing in front of the children..  I have an excellent relationship with my step children and my children have an excellent relationship with my new husband.  The first wife has tried to brainwash the children to hate me, and their father and its only backfired against her.  first wives should realize that they shouldnt try this.  the children can see whats really going on and tend to resent the parent that does this.  I have never done this with my children.  I encouraged my childrens relationship with their father and now that they are all old enough, guess who they dont talk to?  and I’ve never talked negatively to them about their father.  they chose this on their own.  

    • Mrs.SecondWife

      I am a first time wife and second wife, and am in a similar situation, only we are the custodial parents. We don’t receive any child support, financially or emotionally. We take care of all of the children’s needs, from doctors, to dentists visits, to parent-teacher nights and first dances. I’ve had “the talk” with his oldest when his ex refused. I’ve comforted when his ex has gotten “fed-up” with her children and sent them home early because she couldn’t handle it any more. Not all first wives are angels and not all second wives are demons.
      Some of us take up the role when we are called, when their is a void in our step-children’s lives and our husbands believed for the longest time that they would “just go through life alone.”
      When I started reading this article, I had hoped I would find an answer to the struggles we face with the first wife. I thought I would find a support outlet, and it’s sad that this letter is ultimately just a vindictive retort to seemingly bad behavior. No, not all second wives are perfect either and I am sure the idea of the evil-wicked step-mother is true in some circumstances. I truly wish that my husband ex would co-parent. I wish she would step-up as a parent and recognize the beauty in each of the children she created. I wish she would do a lot of things I know she will never do, so with that in mind and the quiet reminder to the children that “just because you don’t like your mom, doesn’t mean you can’t love her” I will do what I can to make their lives as full as possible, so that when they grow up they have healthy, loving, and supportive relationships.
      I will now look elsewhere to connect with other second wives.

  • bitchybee

     You sound like a certified idiot!  You have no clue what it means to be a second wife. Your “syndrome” sounds like an excuse for a first wife to be a meddling bitch.

    • richcom133

      lol, hit a nerve?

    • tiffany

      um I gotta agree..shes the one who seems jealous and acting like it isn’t bothering her

  • Jayne

    I am a first wife and second wife.I agree with some of the content in this letter that things can be this way,but not always.I agree a Father should help support his children and spend time parenting.There are some ex wives,as another poster pointed out ,who have “you owe me”attitudes.And also the attitude of “I was the first and have his children and you will tolerate what ever I dish out to you because you married him and knew he had kids”attitude.

    My husband’s ex is an example and I was willing to be friendly with her.I’m no longer willing to even be anywhere near her now.She will forever have her hand out(for herself not her kids).Sometimes that attitude lasts well after the children are grown with families of their own(like my husband’s ex).

    So,what if a current wife was willing to be friendly toward the ex until they learned these attitudes were present through the actions and conversations with the ex herself?Is there a letter for that scenario?

    Yes,children are part of the package but when an ex expects the new wife to cater to her for her convenience,instead of just expecting support and parenting from the Father…you create problems for all including children.It happens often.

    This letter reeks of passive aggression and a woman using the fact she has children with a man as a power play.That doesn’t improve the situation.It causes more anger and resentment.I would never send my ex husband’s wife this letter.Does she ignore me?Yes.Does she behave suspicious of me?Yes.Does she treat my Children well?YES,she has went above and beyond.So,I overlook the fact she doesn’t want to enjoy my company like an adult.

    A letter like this to relieve tension and have a laugh to yourself?Yes.Sending it to a new or current spouse?No,it’s asking for problems that shouldn’t be heaped on the burning embers.Send a letter to the man who Fathered the children if he is the one complaining about support,etc.That’s where the problem lies.

  • Alison

    My name is ALISON from England, would want to tell you all that i was able to put an end to my divorce issue and restore my marriage again, because i never wanted it to happen. i don’t know what came over my husband that he was filling for divorce, i tried to talk him out of it when he told me and he didn’t listen to me, i had no other option than to seek for the help of a spell caster and now am glad i did. Because if not for the help of spell, i don’t know what would have become of me by now because i loved my husband so much that i couldn’t stand loosing him. The spell worked like magic with the way and manner my husband change and started showing love instead of the divorce he was planning. i just too happy that everything is in place for me now. I would gladly recommend the use of spell to any one going through marriage problems and want to put an end to it. [ agbalaxy@gmail.com was were i got the help to restore my marriage]

  • professional step kid

    Sorry 2nd & 3rds But this letter is right on the $$ for myself and almost every other person I grew up with as we “Pioneered” the age of divorce in the 70′s & 80′s. Having had 3 stepmonsters & even more “ladies” who auditioned for the part I have to get this off my chest. You are all stupid to have fallen for all the things this dead beat looser has told you. Oh , did you think you were special?? Oh so very special that he would NEVER do this to you and yours?? I didn’t have a father in the stands at my games, but his *new* wife got that cruse she always wanted. I didn’t have a collage fund, but recived a band new baby halfsister every other year. I didn’t get medical treatment as needed , but wife #3 got her Barbie Dream House. Yes most divorced kids get a thorough screw job. Not all perhaps, and those people stories are grossly misleading for everyone wants to hang on to that exception and blow off the rule. But each wife/mother looks out for number 1, herself and her own kids. If she didn’t , she wouldn’t have been sleeping with a married man in the first place. deal with it.

  • Rachel

    Are you fucking kidding me? You don’t have a clue.

  • Tulip

    I get upset and frustrated with the first wife because she regularly insults, harshly judges and makes snide and hurtful comments to my husband. She even refuses to go to mediation to discuss the kids. He is MY husband now and first wives have to learn that their relationship with their ex has changed from emotional to business. For some reason, many first wives seem to think they can continue to speak to their ex-husbands as if they are in a continual personal argument. The personal relationship has ended – get over it. If an ex-girlfriend during a first marriage did the same, the first wife would not and should not put up with that. It is the same with second wives. True co-parenting is hard to come by so unless everyone is very supportive in this situation it is unlikely that the second wife is actually disrupting co-parenting. There was most likely personal and parenting issues there to begin with that second wives need not put up with in their new lives. A second marriage is also not the same as the first marriage: new routines, goals and dreams. This means a lot of change for everyone which also might be misunderstood as disrupting co-parenting. First wives, let the second wife find her own way and back off her husband, he is the kid’s father, not your vehicle for continual drama. Things change. Roll with the punches with dignity and class PLEASE!

  • Tulip

    This letter to the second wife is a perfect example of the snide, judgemental and hurtful comments that first wives think they can say about another woman’s husband. These are the types of unresolved bitter personal emotions that existed before the second wife appeared on the scene. It it scary that a divorce coach would allow such a lack of personal responsibility which is clearly evident in this letter. I wish the regular snide emails from my husband’s ex would stop when all he asks is to confirm pick-up and drop times for he kids.

    • Isis

      Yep. Sounds pretty bitter to me. Perhaps the first marriage really did help him become a better person. You wouldn’t know it by the way this woman seems to think it a foregone conclusion that their marriage will breakdown and that her own marriage breakdown was all his fault.

  • Onlymom

    I am a mother first and foremost!! No one not even a second wife gets to tell me how I raise my kids when I have been the one doing it all along. I understand that every situation is different but if you posted nasty comments about the above letter then you truely have second wife syndrome. I was the one up all night with them while he was out having his fling with the women who is now the second wife. So all of this appiles to my life. She has never had children she doens’t even know to be a mother. I have been dealinlg with being a single mom because of her and my ex’s actions. I still do everything and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because that is what a good mom does. Call me bitter if you like!!! I have a right to be!!!

    • Rebecca Goss

      Ok so your bitter because you got cheated on. You should be. However some men do not cheat ( rather its the other way around) and a “first wife” still thinks she can dictate. Or the first mom is abusing and abandoning their kids.Keep that in mind when saying anyone who finds this letter awful must be a second wife and have a syndrome. Correction anyone who reads this letter and does not find it very snide is lacking in common sense! Anyone who would send it to someone who does not want to engage with them is desperatly attempting to play victim and fill up their bruised egos

      • Onlywifey

        Some good points Rebecca. I agree completely with you that this letter may be useful for a cathartic exercise for a former spouse to deal with their own personal emotions. However, it is neither healthy nor mature to send this forward to the stepmother.

        One other point I would like to bring up. I do not consider myself the Second Wife of anyone. I am not the First Wife of my ex…. We are not in feudal China, and divorce means the personal relationship between a man and a woman is over. Done. Fini. My ex husband is simply that. Any business between us after divorce was pursued as former partners dealing with old business. His wife now, (we both remarried) is his ONLY wife. I am the ONLY wife of my husband. He is my ONLY husband. I think we would all be a little less confused and resentful if we adopted this mentality, grew up and looked forward instead of backward. I know the children would be better off.

        I would also like to address another point. I am one of those who never had children, although not by choice. My husband and I tried to conceive for some time, and were very sad we were not blessed. I do not believe my not having passed an infant through my vagina makes me any less competent to raise a child. That seems rather archaic, don’t you think? My stepchildren’s mother and I are very different women. I have benefit of more education and travel, and so the children have come to me for help with job and university applications and advice. I have paid to support us so that their father could send double the state-recommended child support to their mother, despite the fact she never respected my husband’s rights as joint custody parent. My husband and I have taught them how to behave in diverse cultural situations, we have encouraged them to pursue education and work toward dreams, and I have been the one to take them to buy those silly extras like eyeglasses, shoes, and medicine.

        These things were done out of love for my husband and because it was the right thing to do, even though the children’s mother resented and protested any role I took in their rearing. Was I guilty of “second wife syndrome” because I didn’t roll over into a closet and disappear?

        Nope. Although I did learn about detachment…not my ex, not my problem, and that perhaps is what kept me from going insane over the years. I am happy to report we have now been together nearly a decade, and we are happy and rich in love. I credit detachment and a clean conscience.

        Oh, and before any divorced individual blames the other for the divorce…please remember each divorce story has THREE sides…His side, Her side, and The Truth. Not one of us is blameless…

    • shholistic

      You are right to note how every situation is different. Being the second wife, myself, has definitely brought this situation to my life when I deal with my husband’s ex wife. Sadly, I was involved in his cheating on her, but not to my knowledge and when it came to my knowledge I lost all of his information on purpose. Months later, he contacted me and after a lot of hard work and difficult feedback to him, we started to date and fell in love. It became clear rather quickly that his ex has borderline personality disorder with a narcissistic bent (this has been since diagnosed by our cross-family counselor that works with all of us). My husband and I are both psychology majors, though, so we can’t help but note these things. Eventually, my husband and I moved in together and it was mostly due to me having to move in to take care of his children 3/4 of the time, because their mom wasn’t able to do it herself.

      From there, she began badmouthing me to her kids, giving them permission to disregard and disrespect me as I was instructing them in our home to respect and appreciate their mother. In many ways her unfounded remarks ended up backfiring, because she basically told her kids not to respect my instructions to treat her well. As time has gone by, she has tried to steal money from our family through joint bills she is still paying off with my husband when he has paid ahead on his half and by not replacing checks that he never presented, because the kids make messes of most things and tney get lost sometimes. We have been willing to suck up the expenses just to save face for the childrens’ sake, because whenever their mom is upset, she puts way too much of her problems on their shoulders to carry.

      Currently, I have been forced to stop communicating with her, because even when she prompts me to give her information, she later complains that I was interrupting her or getting under her skin. The only reason I have been able to identify for her feelings is jealousy. While you may not be experiencing jealousy over your ex husband’s new relationship, I would imagine quite a few women do, especially when the new wife takes better care of her ex and her children than she is able to, herself. Unfortunately, for me, we cannot send my step-sons to live with their mom the majority of the time, because she abuses them psychologically and anytime they are with her for more than a few days in a row, they start to have serious issues.

  • alex

    This is literally one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read. If my stepson’s mother sent this to me, I’d lose my mind. Not only is it condescending, it sounds like wife #1 (mine was an on-again/off-again girlfriend) has completely forgotten that she too was once (apparently) idiotic enough to get herself knocked up by this useless man! Trashing dad in the first paragraph? HA. I really feel for intelligent stepmoms like myself that have nothing but this kind of trash to reference for help and support. I suggest, if you, like me, are the oh so pathetically jealous second wife, that you read Wednesday Martin’s “Stepmonster.” You’re normal, I promise.

  • bitcharella

    Obviously you’ve never been a second wife. You have no clue what it’s like. No matter how perfect you are, the first wife thinks she rules the world.
    Here’s a reply to your letter too…”Dear First Wife, I tried him and found he didn’t fit right…you can have him back now. Sincerely, Soon-to-be Ex-Wife #2

    • 2ndwife

      “Golden Uterus” Syndrome is how I refer to my husband’s ex wife’s obsession with using the kids as a weapon to punish him. This ‘divorce coach’ is a joke!

  • Michelle Barton

    What a joke! Ha!

  • C F

    This letter is written by a really silly woman (v.sorry) who has not actually been in the tragic psychotic mess of 2nd wife syndrome. If my 1st wife wrote that to my 2nd wife it would have been firecrackers, scandal and damage to an intolerable level.

    What really bugs 2nd wives is that another woman knows your particularities & habits better than they do and your kids are a manefestation of a “love” that was not theirs.

    Biggest problem about most female advisors is that they don’t know a damn thing about what most men want! We just want a quiet life with a woman who is inside “our” relationship in what ever particular way that makes it suit for both – simple. Tolerating our kids from the past is an accomodation or an favour that the 2nd wife can give or withdraw at any time. Women attack just to see how much they hurt you sometimes not because they really want to hurt you but when this gets out of hand tie time to walk.
    I’m on marriage 3 with a great woman at last who doesn’t bring her jealousy BS home to me. I got rid of No. 2 simply because she treated my 3 daughters so incredibly badly and destoyed my life becuase of it. Women can be evil in a way men will never understand.

    There are good women out there – recognise the bad ones early and say goodbye fast. Don’t be an idiot like me & marry them…..

  • Serena

    This letter is mean and doesn’t take into consideration the situation or the mindstate of the second wife. Not all situations are the same and not all women are the same in each situation. Your letter template, especially for a “certified professional”, isn’t professional at all. I will never buy your books or watch you on television. You should rename your site so it’s not misleading and second wives don’t think they’re clicking on a source of help rather than a place to be attacked. Very disappointed.

  • denise

    Just wanted to say thanks to agbalaxy@gmail.com soooooooooo much for the amazing spell of making up. Yesterday was that all important First Date and it was absolutely fantastic… i just had an email from him saying what a great time he had and how he can’t believe how cool it was to be together again. – now I am so much stronger and happier. but I can’t believe how well life is going only 2 weeks after I felt like I was half dead. Thank you so much………Denise

  • Stephanie swain

    1st wife here. I’m not a f***en meddler. When you accuse, you have no
    idea what its like to be the ON the other side. Personally I couldn’t
    give a crap what 2nd wives think. Why because I’m the one raising a
    family of 4 kids for almost 17years in & out of the marriage. When
    my husband decided to leave the marriage, I was left emotionally,
    physically & financially alone to care for my children. Without any
    help from the moron. All because he wanted to find a better life with
    someone else. How is that a meddler to you? Good he deserves it, after
    all if he’s choosing not to be there as a parent or husband..then the
    ass should pay. Do your homework is what I say before you involve
    yourself with someone who has luggage. Personally I would run or stay
    single instead of complicating my life.

  • Stephanie swain

    You have no idea what its like to devote your time and more than 110%. Its an easy thing to say get over it when you thought the man to be your husband would never break the promise of loving you & growing old with you until death do you part. Is that not what the promise & vows mean when u make that covenant with God? Let no man separate what God has put together!? Marriage is not a light subject and for some it is. People marry & divorce all the time. Where is the meaning to it?

    • Me

      Hey there, I am both a 1st and 2nd wife. As for my ex husband, yes, I was bitter for a long time about him breaking promises. However, I realized that he never really wanted to marry me in the first place. I think he was pressured by my wants. One things I have learned is that a marriage will only work if the MAN is truly in love. As a 2nd wife, my husband is truly in love with me. We are best friends and he would walk though fire for me.
      Instead of sticking to the legalistic aspect of marriage, you need to ask yourself, did you possibly, maybe bring up marriage to your ex husband before he did? For really nice guys, it doesn’t take much pressure to get them to marry you when they are not really in love. In fact society pressure to get married and have a family can be enough!
      I realized I spent a long time being bitter about something that was never meant to be in the first place! If you are divorced, then you were really never meant to be married. Maybe your 110% was to make up for his lack of trying since he never really wanted to be there. You are only making yourself miserable by holding onto resentment. Hatred hurts you, way more than it hurts the target.
      My current husband’s ex-wife hates his guts. She is literally destroying herself trying to make him miserable, but what she doesn’t know is that he doesn’t even think about her 90% of the time! While she is stewing away at home, we are out on some adventure. I can’t be the one to tell her to move on, because she has convinced herself that he cheated on her with me (which isn’t true), but I can pass the advice to you. You need to take responsibility for some the marriage failure. If you are not able to do that, then you at least need to take responsibility for choosing a partner that was not good for you. It took me a long time to figure this out, but once you do, you will be so much happier, I promise!

      • Onlywifey

        Wow. This sounds so familiar. Your situation is so much like ours, really. His ex pushed hard to marry, then quit her job the day they married and never went back. Making him feel a bit used…
        As for the rest of it,I have been there and completely agree. One cannot achieve peace with the past until they honestly own their own part of things, and feel ready to move on having learned from it.
        Bitterness and resentment and trying to destroy someone for not loving you, really is like drinking poison every day and waiting for the other person to die. They,of course, will not…

  • Karen

    That’s about the most childish “letter” I’ve ever read. It clearly shows you are the bitter divorcee who can’t deal with her own life and has to shower the new wife with “pity.” If you read this from an objective standpoint you’d see a shade of why he’s with someone else and not you. Get over yourself. Signed, A dignified divorcee by choice

  • rubix cube

    Here I am trying of ways I can improve on my attitude as a stepmum. I only just spent two hours the other week trying to teach my stepdaughter how to use a fricken tampon and about a month before that how to remove hair from her armpits. She is 11yrs old. I know this sounds real selfish but it hurts me inside as hubby and I have a 2yrs old girl between us and a 4yrs old boy. It’s milestones like this I would of like to be experiencing first with my own biological daughter. Her mother would of been aware of her armpits and after learning that she knew now how to address her hairs bought her a nice pink electric shaver for Christmas. The thing that gets me most bugged is that she is old enough to make her own bed, clean up after her, know manners, know that she should be attempting to eat good foods, brush her teeth and take her plate to the sink. The thing is she doesnt do any of this at her mothers where she is there 90% of time. So all I hear is my voice “nagging” and “nagging” and it drives me crazy. My husband thinks I can go a little overboard. He says that with our two little ones I let them off things that I dont let her get away with. Wait a minute they are 2 & 4yrs old for christsakes. They say pls and thank you, 4yrs old makes his bed and can dress himself, they take their plate to the sink the majority of times and they always want to help. She is 11yrs old and more then capable. I dont what to do. There is so much more to this then meets the eye. I was a manipulator to my parents so I know all the tricks up her sleeve. I ten to automatically shut her down everytime like second nature now. I’m sick of being the grumpy one. I’m sick of not knowing what input to have and what input not too. I am entitled to having house rules which we follow in my own house. She is a child and I am the adult. When she’s old enough and mature enough to make her own decisions then so be it. I am not jealous of the ex wife. I just dont like the feeling of being allowed to cross so many milestones with my husband daughter and then when I have a little hissy about my expectations of her lifting her weight in the house I am having a personal dig. It is not an easy situation for a stepmum. I have never tried to say to her I her mother.. but come on silly lady. I get calls from her to help her with her school projects with her mum sitting right beside her. I now have tension with my husband because of the way I feel. Please dont palm off this stupid douche bags letters as say I have second wife syndrome. I rest my case!!!!

    • Me

      You have every right to expect an 11 yr old to pitch in. I also find myself nagging my stepsons because their own mom never taught them rules, discipline or even basic manners. However, just keep in mind that when your step daughter turns into a delightful woman, she will come back someday (like at 30yrs old – haha) and thank YOU, not her mom. You are being a good step mom, and I feel your frustration, but you are definitely doing what is best for the kids and that is what matters. Your husband should be reinforcing the rules instead of criticizing you.

  • EXTREME SECOND WIFE SYNDROME!

    I compeletly disagree, this is making it sound that he cheated on wife number one! well that’s not my case! wife number 1 cheated on him, she’s a disgusting whore who doesn’t wash her childs clothes and everytime he comes over they smell of cigarette smoke and cat spray! also, she constantly calls for petty shit that isn’t even irrelevent! She seems to not be able or WANT to do anything on her own even though she is the CUSTODIAL PARENT…she is so fucking sloppy, has lost his birht certificate and we live in georgia but the child was born in florida and she wants us to take care of it and he agrees to do so im tired of her running over everyone, she said just the other day to my mans sister and law that she has the grandma wrapped around her fingers..now THAT made me HOT! I hate women like this and personally i feel that if you cheated then you DONT deserve your children, you know why because you chose to make that baby with that man and then you broke up a marriage with a man who loved you so much just because of your selfish ways and now your with some low life loser who can’t even keep a job! so no you ruined your childs chance of having a normal family life & you should be the bitch paying child support! HOWS THAT FOR SECOND WIFE SYNDROME!!!!!!! $!^()@$

  • sandra

    I have tried dozens of love spells and had no success. I was online and came across Dr okosodo Spells. I was having an issue with my partner we have both been separated for 2 months. I thought I would try one more time. I was told that my case would be done in so little time. I must admit I was a bit skeptical with my past experiencs and all. However 2 days later here I am back together with my partner and we are doing better then ever. If it was not for john Walton I do not know how I would be able to cope with life any longer. Thank you so much for all your help!contact him no okosodotemple@gmail.com

  • Anonymous in California

    I am a first and a second wife. My new husbands first wife is a nice person. We get along when we see one another. The problem is that I may have second wife syndrome because of the fact that his family, and his best friend are friends with her on FB. Yes, I know they had a past, but the past is the past and that is where she should remain. Am I overreacting? Am I jealous because these family members and his best friend talk more to her than trying to get to know me? Suggestions please. I have since deleted my FB account because I get so hurt when I see posts from his family to her and vice versa.

  • Rebecca Goss

    I was searching for advice and found this?!! Twlight Zone. This letter is dripping with Im sooo much better than you and hes only going to screw you over. It further goes to say we could have been friends but you wont have me…. So im going to harass you further and write you a letter telling you how awesome I am?? If someone doesnt want to be your friend they dont have to. Sorry for the reality check. Your letter does nothing for first wives except paint them as desperate and a bit narcisstic.
    Professional ?

  • sworth

    I read the letter and I found it funny and true. I am the 1st wife dealing with a second wife that is doing exactly what was written. I know that not all 2nd wifes are like this. Sometimes and in therapy they say that writing letters like this helps you deal with it. Sending the letter is another story. I see nothing wrong here. Its just a way for her to vent.

  • Janine

    This is a testimony that i will tell every one to hear. i have been married four 6years

    andon the 7th year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me

    andmy husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 3years until i met a post

    wherethis man Dr Osaze have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help mebring

    my lover back home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husbandand

    after 4 days as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was

    myhusband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one

    ofyou in similar problems to met with this man and have your lover back to your self.

    Hisemail:spirituallove@hotmail.com

  • Marie

    I came across this just recently.. I realize that it’s been posted some time ago but I can’t help the need to say something to those who may consider doing what you have suggested. First of all, wow!, this coming from a divorce “coach”(?) is unbelievable to me! Along with sending an official letter like this to someone who has little or no clue what to expect coming into a more personal, family oriented situation and receiving such a letter like this would be a horror! For starters, it DOES scream JEALOUSY on your part!… I don’t know you personally but it seems as though you may be influenced on something that happened to you personally and based on your own anger and jealousy, you are now trying to seek revenge in a distorted way by offering this kind of advice based on your own personal experience to the public! So I will respond in a way that is more akin to the fact of what I think you are truly trying to influence. I also can’t help but respond to those reading this to let them know your advice above is NOT acceptable.

    Secondly, the importance of getting priorities straight is extremely important. What I mean by priorities is to keep issues between what happened between YOU and YOUR ex husband (not the new wife) just as it sounds, personal…. What happened between YOUR ex husband and YOURSELF in the past have nothing to do with the new wife so why involve her? So YOU have absolutely no good reason to trash your ex husband towards her, unless you truly do hold such hostile jealousy towards YOUR situation which is NOT a good reason. And if this sort of resentment drives you to send such a horrible letter, then I strongly suggest that you seek the best psychological help you can find along with refraining from offering any kind of advice to the public until you get that help needed to get over your past.

    I read : “We could have been friends, if nothing else, than for the sake of the
    children, but you have rebuffed all my offers of getting to know each
    other. It’s a shame, because I could have told you so many things” .

    What were your true intentions for this part? For what reasons? For starters, it is not a requirement for a new wife to want to be best of friends with the ex wife who likes to spread gossip and slander about her new husband. I feel sorry for your children that will really suffer from this mess.. :(

  • Me

    Wow. My situation is totally different from what you wrote in your letter, but ironically, I can see my husband’s ex-wife writing just such a letter as yours.
    My husband is the most gently, loving, kind-hearted man I have ever met and he is my best friend. He is a great father to his sons, and a great step father to my own daughter. However if you talked to his ex wife, you would think him to be a monster.
    She tells people that he was abusive (when he wasn’t), that he was a terrible father (although he did most of the parenting despite working 12 hours per day to support her even though she has a bachelors and refused to get a job), that he was uncommunicative and mean, and uses a whole he punched in the wall to prove her point. What she fails to mention is that she spent all of his money on whatever popped into her mind, including money from his business account which he only granted her access to after she nagged him for several years to the point where he had to let employees go because she was spending their paychecks, and he had to pour used oil in his diesel engine to get to work. She spent most of this money on farmville, her phone bill, and massive amounts of food leading to her disgusting state of obesity. She not only refused to work, but also refused to clean the house or even properly care for her children, so they lived in filth, and he was too tired at the end of a 12 hour day to clean- especially after feeding his kids dinner at 11 pm because she didn’t do that either. She abuse him mentally, emotionally and physically, calling him names like p***y, and throwing objects at him. She even yanked the car keys from the ignition while he was driving on a highway because she though he wasn’t listening to her. She self-diagnosed their sons with bogus disorders and tried to convince everyone that they were retarded, even though they are delightful, happy, normal children. I could go on and on, but if you ask her, she is a sweet, innocent victim, and he is a monster. I would have punched a hole in the wall out of frustration too – I met her one time, and wanted to strangle her because she spent all day talking to me with nothing but lies, and made me miss seeing her sons pinewood derby race (she missed it too as she spent all day trying to get my attention).
    I had always been a woman to take the woman’s side of the story, but after seeing her in action, I no longer take anyone’s side of any story, because I have realized that not all women are victims, and many divorces are caused by the ex wife. By the way, she also tells everyone that he cheated on her with me, even though we met 3 months after they separated. In fact, one of the things I admire about him most is that in his 9 years of marriage, he never cheated on her even though she was the most pathetic excuse for a wife I have ever seen.
    Like I said though, if you ask her, she is a wonderful mother and he was a horrible abusive husband. That’s funny, because I have never even had one argument with him in 2 years of marriage – we have calm discussions and a loving, repsectful relationship.
    Maybe you are dealing with a horrid 2nd wife, but after what I am seeing, your “letter to the 2nd wife” looks like a delusional case of projection. My husband tells me constantly that he wished we had dated in high school and married to avoid the most horrible 9 years of his life in his first marriage.
    If the 2nd wife has a loving working relationship with your ex-husband, and you have yet to settle down with anyone then you may want to reconsider who was actually the cause of your previous marital issues.
    Sincerely, the 2nd wife

  • misunderstood wife

    No that’s not the case here …the child is neither my husbands nor his ex wifes this the try’s to act like the mother of his child doing everything she can to get between me use and because he loves this girl he goes along to get along me not so much

  • angela

    Hello Every one out here!!I want to share my testimony
    and my happiness with you all in this site, last year my husband left me
    for another woman in his working place and he abandon me and my 2kids,
    everything was so hard for me because i love him so much, so i saw the
    testimonies of Dr.Magbu how he has been helping ladies in getting there
    husband back so i contacted him and he help me to cast a return spell
    for my husband and in 3 days my husband left the other woman and he come
    back to me with so much love and caring. i will never forget this help
    that Dr.Magbu gave to me and my children.if you are here you need help
    to get you lover back you can contact him through this email reunitingexspell@gmail.com, i am proud to be on his testimony page. Angela

  • poop bucket

    what a crock of shit. this is an excuse to antagonize a new wife and from the letter she is jealous. every message has a spirit and this one is that the ex cant move on. no matter what is said she doesnt wish new wife well. shoulda just said go screw yourself insread of writing this yarn about your well wishing…

  • Kat

    I was a first wife, and now an a second wife. So I have been in the shoes of both.

    I will say that as an ex-first wife I would never be so bitter as to even think about writing something so bitter.

    I have realized through the process of divorce, and then moving on, not only his faults, but MINE too. It takes two to create a happy marriage and it takes two to equally destroy one. My first husband is not a bad guy, he was a womanizer and still is. But that is not my problem now, and I truly hope that he changes his ways and is able to keep his new family together. It is hard on kids when they go through any divorce of a parent or stepparent. Especially when there are half-siblings, step-siblings involved.

    My husbands ex-wife sounds much like you. They had many issues in theri relationship. I truly think they were too young when they married (right out of highschool) and really didnt know each other. I think that as each grew their ideals and values changed, as they do when we all grow up. They wanted the other to change in ways that each other was not willing.

    He may have been a bad husband to you, but it doesnt mean that he will be to another woman, who he may have much more in common with.

    I hope for the sake of your children that you stop worrying about him and his relationship with his new wife, and worry about your children and their relationship with their dad and his new family .

  • Pingback: StepTalk

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=31708744 Briana Taylor

    What a nice letter. Clearly aimed at improving your situation so you can effectively co-parent. Not engaging in the cattiness at all. *eyeroll*

  • EyeLuvMe

    Funny Letter! I wouldn’t imagine that someone actually sends this letter, but it is quite entertaining. You all have to admit that!

    My ex is remarried and he and his wife have two children (one of hers, one of theirs). His wife and I have no relationship AT ALL. I was first introduced to her 2 months after our divorce and they were married. Our first interaction consisted of us being introduced, me saying “hello it’s nice to meet you”, her looking at my like I had 3 eyeballs and that was about it. On top of that, I was dropping my kids off with their father and low and behold her child was buckled into my youngest child’s carseat. Needless to say, I figured this would be a bumpy ride. I had seen her a handful of times after that and when I would say “Hello (insert name) how are you”…she’d look at me again like I had the 3rd eye. My ex informed me that she didn’t have anything to say to me because “my child support had them living broke and going without things”. Seriously?
    As a grown, mature adult I would never want to deal with a man who didn’t physically and financially take care of his children. I also wouldn’t want to deal with a man whose wages were being garnished. A parent (man or woman) should NEVER be forced to take care of their children. You should want to do that, right???
    Why is it that the “new wife” seems to instantly have an issue with the previous wife? Is it because that’s what society has made us believe? Are we all trained to upkeep the drama and nonsense?
    Mind you, I don’t desire to hang out with his wife or anything like that. But the moral of the story is “You’re my kids step mom. I would prefer to have some type of a cordial relationship with you for their sake”. Why must that be so complicated?
    Based on the history of events, she and I will never have a relationship. She won’t even say hello when I speak to her let alone be cordial past that. I honestly am looking for a forum to discuss “How to deal with this”. I am open to everyone’s honest and constructive opinions.

  • shholistic

    This letter definitely has a condescending tone. I would have said undertone, but it is quite overt. I cam to this page as a second wife, hoping to find a compassionate way to help my husband’s ex who discounts my person every chance that she gets. Her children live with me 3/4 of the year and she is unnofficially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and she makes it close to impossible to maintain a civil relationship with her while she makes flippant comments about me to her children and my husband’s family members. This letter is actually very similar to things she has said to me in an effort to build herself up from her low self-esteem. I think this letter needs tweeking at best, because if in fact, the second wife were the way you describe, you would still be only “feeding the monster” (as our family therapist says regarding my husband’s ex) instead of showing compassion and actually being helpful. I’m weary of even looking to see what you might have on this site that claims to be geared toward a “first wife syndrome.” I hope that you will take the time to review this particular page from other perspectives and have consideration for women like myself who have had someone else’s children dumped on them, give them love at the expense of our own children sometimes, give them everything their biological mother cannot, and still get treated like the whipping boy at the end of every interaction with the ex wife.
    Sincerely

  • Ruth

    Thank you Ihumudumu Priest! The love spell worked
    and he returned to me. You are a marvelous, wonderful, stupendous, shocking and
    extraordinary person with so much talent. You have a gift like no other I have
    seen. You are an amazing person with a beautiful soul and inner balance that
    shines on all you meet. You surpass any and all other gifted individuals I have
    ever met. Your Spell is so accurate it is incredibly unbelievable. Your
    wonder-working magical know how of the universe and its laws are magnified
    within a structure so unique it’s impossible to find anywhere. Again, thank you
    for everything! And thank you so much for the happiness you brought upon me we
    are so much in love again. if your ex leave you alone and you find it so
    difficult to go back you can try this man! ihumudumupriest@gmail.com

    Ruth

  • Galina

    I want to say that my lover left me in 2012. During 3months I have contacted many casters and bought almost ten spells without results. My ex wouldn’t contact me, wouldn’t answer my calls and emails. But I never lost hope because I knew we were soul mates. Dr. Lee cast the most wonderful spell for me and within 3days i got my result and since 2 weeks ago and everything has changed since then. We are close to each other again and he is calling me many times everyday. Thank you Dr. Lee, your help is very appreciated! I will keep in touch. Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com

  • Benji

    I am here to testify to the world that i just found a real priest who has help me bring back my happiness by retuning my ex wife back after two year. I have been to India for spell and i have also been to Jamaica and none of them work but when Jacqueline Directed me to this great priest in Africa. I contacted him through email and he gave me his temple address where i went to see him physically. He made incantations and told me that i my wife will come back after 3 days. I lodged into a hotel and waited for the 3 days. It surprises me when Sherry send me an email through Facebook. I went to North Carolina and we now united. She cherish me more than ever and this is what has never happened in the past. I will forever Cherish this great priest from Africa because he is very truthful and honest. Anyone who need his help can go to his temple or contact him through his email address templeofpermanenthealing@gmail.com

    Benji Scott

  • sabrina

    his is a testimony that i will tell to every one to hear. i have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i meant a post where this man Esango Priest have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my love Husband home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email: esangopriest@hotmail.com he is a good man and straight forward human

  • Eddie B

    Biggest load of crap I have ever read. You obviously have a massive problem that your ex husband has remarried and he is no longer your lap dog and you are using the fact you have children as an excuse for this obscene display. What a weirdo…

  • jeanette

    I absolutely agree with bitchy bee. The syndrome is called wife #1 please let the marriage go. My experience and many other 2nd wives are that the 1st wife tells you how horrible he is and good luck. The fact is we dont have that issue…. our husband loves us and wants to spend time with us. Im sorry he didnt want to spend time with you, maybe thats why you are divorced. Men change and we all act different once we are in a happy healthy compatable relationship. 1st wives cant believe maybe they were part of the problem, and often have a hard time only focusing on the kids without bringing up the failed marriage. Its very sad. Im close with my ex husband and his girlfriend, they love my son very much and including the girlfriend or new wife is the best way to co-parent, not trying to exclude them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jane.thamson.5 Jane Thamson

    I AM SO HAPPY GIVEN THESE TESTIMONY AND I AM TELL EVERYONE THE GOOD WORK OF DR IMOMOH SPELL TEMPLE AND WHAT HE DID FOR AND MY FAMILY,,MY NAME IS MRS MARIA GREGORY AND I AM FROM USA AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I WAS VERY HAPPY WITH MY FAMILY ME AND MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR THE PAST 15YEARS AND WE WERE A HAPPY FAMILY AND TILL ONE SUDDEN DAY WHEN MY HUSBAND CAME BACK FROM WORK AND I GREETED HIM HE DID NOT ANSWER ME AND I NOTICE SO I WHEN TO HIM AND ASK HIM WHAT IS THE MATTER AND SUDDEN HE STARTED BEATING ME AND I CRIED AND HE DID NOT STOP,SO THE NEXT MORNING HE LEFT THE HOME AND DID NOT COME BACK AGAIN I AND MY KIDS WERE TRYING TO FINE HIM BUT NO RESULT TILL I SAW HIM WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN A SHOPPING MOORE AND I WAS SO IN PAIN AND I STARTED LOOKING FOR HELP AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MANY SPELL CASTER BUT THEIR COULD NOT HELP ME AND I EVEN DID NOT BELIEVE IN SPELL AGAIN TILL A FRIEND OF MY IN THE OFFICE INTRODUCE ME TO A MAN CALLED DR IMOMOH AND WHEN I CONTACTED HIM HE TOLD ME THAT HE IS GOING TO HELP ME AND I DID NOT EVEN BELIEVE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEIR ALWAYS SAY BUT I JUST TRUST TO MY GREATNESS SURPRISE WHEN I WAS IN THE HOUSE I SAW MY PHONE AND WHEN I CHECK IS MY HUSBAND BEGGING ME THAT I SHOULD FORGIVE HIM FOR HE HAS DONE TO ME AND I FORGIVE BECAUSE THE DR TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD FORGIVE HIM AND LOVE HIM AGAIN SO I AM TELL YOU NOW THAT I AM THE HAPPIEST WOMAN ON EARTH FOR THE GREAT HELP DR IMOMOH SPELL TEMPLE DID FOR ME AND IF YOU WANT TO GET CONTACT WITH HIM VIA EMAIL IS :imomohspelltemple@yahoo.com AND IF YOU ARE IN ANY PROBLEM I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT HE CAN ALSO SOLVE IT OKAY,,

    HE CAN ALSO HELP WITH YOUR PROBLEM,THANK YOU SO SO MUCH DR IMOMOH,EMAIL HIM:imomohspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • tjo

    Lol! Sounds like “first wife” has a lot of unresolved issues….I hope , for the sake of your children, that you let go of the jealousy and bitterness that you are obviously feeling toward “second wife”. Accept the fact that, for whatever reason, (perhaps it was because you are a conniving, manipulative person……or maybe, like in the case of my husband, your ex was just young and never WANTED to marry you in the first place…..Bahaha…..but nevertheless, he chose to terminate the marriage and you need to move on and get over it!!!

  • lisa

    Hello viewers out there i am lisa from L.A, i actually got a help from
    olufalayespellhome@gmail.com ,i and my boy friend brok up a year and two months now,i told olufalayespellhome@gmail.com how it happened,he told me he is going to help me,it was after five days later my ex boy friend asking me to foregive him,that is how both of us came datting again……

  • tiffany

    yeah your syndrome article is bullshit

  • 2nd and happy

    Think of this…the first wife is a bitter nightmare, and is turning the children against her ex husband and his new wife because of jealousy! She blew it in the marriage and does not want her ex to be happy. You’re a professional divorce coach? You need to switch professions!