I have not cried in a long time. I swallow it down. I don’t let the tears flow. I will not allow this for myself. I can’t afford it….but, this morning….I cried. I cried for hours. I cried non-stop. I went through an entire box of Kleenex. I cried until my eyes were so puffy they would not even open anymore. And, I didn’t think I would ever stop.
I cried for myself, but mostly for my children.
I cried because they only have every other weekend to see their friends, and feel left out when they aren’t asked to spend the night. I cried because they don’t get to go to birthday parties or activities when they aren’t with me. I cried at the unfairness of it all.
I cried because their summers are so chopped up, that I can’t send my daughter to the camp she wants to go to because it is during her father’s time and he refuses to let her go or switch time. I cried because my kids get left behind and left out because of this nasty thing we call divorce.
I cried because I took it out on the wrong person this morning, someone who is a good friend and she didn’t deserve it. I cried because my daughter came home disappointed again last night when another friend failed to live up to the plans that were made.
I cried because I have to support my children emotionally, financially and mentally and now I have to do the same with my parents. I cried because sometimes the pressure of it all sitting on my shoulders is just too heavy for me to bear.
I cried because I am angry and tired. I cried because sometimes you need to cry to cleanse. I cried because sometimes when you have the weight of the world and the responsibilities of taking care of everyone’s happiness it gets too heavy.
But, I stopped, made myself a cup of green tea and took a deep breath and remembered to count my blessings and that life will go on and that my kids will be okay, because I will put the smile back on my face for them and my parents will be okay because I will make sure that they are.
And, I feel better after crying, and am once again ready to tackle the world, one step at a time.
Acknowledge, Accept, Empower and Heal.